And just like that, the pain is gone. I have to get used to the fact that the pain isn’t there anymore. The urge to hurt and abuse myself through toxic thoughts, relationships, actions has been processed and I keep trying to poke for it, but it’s simply not there. In its place is bubbling compassion and gratitude.

For so long I was afraid of being hollow. I thought it would feel lonely. But it allows a space for God so I can embody that love and wisdom and be it.

Aya is still working through me with profound love. She is powerful. She knows how to teach you in just the way you understand. She is gentle, but firm. She is by far the most clever and skilled teacher I have ever come across. The reason is that she guides you from within. She takes on all of your experiences, beliefs, memories, pain and pulls forth profound wisdom you already have inside of you. My lessons very much revolved around going through my physical pain. All the abuse with full contact sports, all the alcohol, pills, all the putting myself down and telling myself I was worthless unless I  worked myself nearly to death. My body screamed at me and cried and I cried with her and held her hand through all of it. I didn’t make excuses, I just apologized profusely and stayed in the fire.

I am still processing the medicine, so I’m not sure if this blog is the most coherent of blogs, but my urge to start sharing is strong.

I was a part of 5 ayahuasca ceremonies shared along-side 21 other beautiful souls with their own stories of suffering, insight, and experiences. The medicine used all of us as vessels in and out of the ceremony. We would talk and whisper to one another, give random hugs, kisses, and support. So the medicine worked directly and indirectly through us as she knew, sometimes, you just need to hear certain things from other human beings for it to be real.

There are so many stories to share, but one man’s journey that impacted me so deeply was the one of a young man from France. The layers of pain and sadness he had to battle led him to cry out during the ceremonies with so much grief that you’d have to be made of stone not feel it. I felt it. Deep in my heart it was like a dagger, but I held space for him and I loved him from across the room with as much energy and compassion and intention as I would for a best friend. Each day he awoke lighter with clearer eyes and I got to see this transformation in another human being. I got to, maybe, be a part of it. I know he has more layers to pull back, but as he said, there is finally hope. That experience of interaction with such a beautiful soul, I wouldn’t take back for the world.

I am honored to be placed back in the world with this experience and knowledge for my coaching clients, student, fans, friends, and family.